What Kind of Mother Does Society Want Us To Be?

Society has considerable expectations around women as mothers; the kind of mother we will be, the things we will do and, therefore, the sort of children we will produce – these are matters that Society, like a strict and judgmental Aunt, has strong views on. And to make it easier, Society likes to give us little labels, quite as if we were Spice Girls: Tiger Mother, Routine Mother, Hugger Mother, Sancti-Mother, Hipster Mother, Slacker Mother and so on. And hey, who cares that the labels don't actually fit anyone?

In one way, we cannot blame Society for this – after all, our children are part of the story. The way they grow up, the sort of people they will become, will influence the shape of Society in the future. The few who are extremely brilliant or extremely dysfunctional will have, perhaps, a direct impact – by inventing a new type of energy, or killing a president, for example – the vast majority will simply be an organic part of a constantly-shifting mass, gently moving it minute distances in one direction or another.

So, I accept that Society has a vested interest in what we mothers do and how we do it. The problem is, Society’s views on the matter are quite contradictory.

On the one hand, and starting at the beginning, Society wishes us to behave like the High Priestesses of a temple during pregnancy, ensuring that we carefully optimise our chances of producing a perfect baby, because Society likes to work with good raw material. Society wants us to form strong bonds with our babies, because that way they are more likely to be emotionally stable and less inclined to riot or throw rocks at the police. Society likes us to breastfeed, because that will limit the likelihood of obesity in later life, and instill good early eating habits for the same reason. Society wants us to listen and respond to the needs of our children, because this gives them self-confidence and makes them less likely to become alcoholics or drug-addicts.

Society, you see, is a complete catastrophist, and incapable of nuanced response, always dealing in crazed disaster headlines, never shades of grey. Things going wrong, for Society, always result in fire! Famine! Dread! never just a bit of a shame.

But – don’t think of getting over-excited and taking all this attachment stuff too far, because Society does not like it when it gets too extreme. Hugger Mothers are too hippy, too free-flowing, too resistant to consumerism, and therefore likely to produce children who may opt out of Society in order to start a commune, or become irritatingly alternative about things like the emotional need for a new kitchen or car. Breastfeed for too long – anything over a year, really – and suddenly it becomes, not a benefit to mother and child, but something weird and a bit off.

Refuse to discipline your child on the basis that you believe in complete tolerance, and Society, just like that strict Aunt, will get very finger-wagging about the need for boundaries. Tend constantly to the needs of your child rather than your own, and Society will tell you that you are raising a monster. Fail to dress nicely and have your hair done regularly while you go about this business of raising children, and Society will silently accuse you of Letting Yourself Go.

Yes, Society is utterly inconsistent in its expectations around mothers, and sending out hopelessly mixed messages.

The real question is, how much should all this matter to us? Of course, it’s nice to feel in step with our world, to bask in the light of social approval around our ‘choices’, but does it really matter a damn what Society thinks?

Well, yes, I would argue. For me, anyway. Because I am not at all immune to the need for general good opinion. Perhaps I lack the courage of my convictions, but I still like a little pat on the back from time to time, the feeling that I am doing the right thing in the eyes of Society. And so when I let my children sleep in my bed for too long (until about three months ago actually, in the case of the three-year-old), I find myself hiding this information from those around me, because I know they are going to say sternly, ‘that child needs her own bed, you’re just encouraging her to be needy.’ When I breastfed the eldest until he was nearly four, this was a dark secret, known only to my very closest. When brisk friends asked ‘are you still feeding him?’ I would mutter something about ‘not really,’ and turn the subject.

You are probably all thinking what an almighty wimp I am, and you’re probably right. But such, I confess, is the weight of social disapproval.

And so, when I see Society getting every more prescriptive about the ‘Right’ and ‘Wrong’ way to bring up children, this bothers me. There is so much judgement now around everything mothers do – from the type of car seats we use, to the food we buy, to the kind and amount of exercise our children get and the schools they go to – so much scrutiny and advice, that it is quite head-spinning.

A friend who had her first baby recently asked me, in all sad seriousness, if I thought she was seriously jeopardising her baby’s future if she didn’t buy a flat-lying pram, even though she couldn’t fit it into her car boot, ‘because the books say its bad for his back if he doesn’t sleep lying flat.’ I said I truly thought he would be ok, and then I thought how mean Society is to put mothers under extra, totally unnecessary pressure. But also how Society is fundamentally decent, and would undoubtedly back off it only it knew how unhelpful all this stuff is.

So, I thought I would tell it: Society, back off! Stop watching and judging us. We will do our best, and it will be good enough. The things we don’t do are because we cannot reasonably accommodate them within our lives. As the old saying has it, anything that gets past us, wasn’t meant for us. So leave us a alone and go and peer critically at someone else for a change.

The Cruelty of Contrast

A recent visit to an orphanage in Russia, with superb Irish charity To Russia With Love, showed me clear as day something I already knew, but in a murky, confused sort of way.

All the agonising that I do, endlessly, over whether I am doing enough to ensure my children's happiness and success in life, is self-indulgent waste. My guilt over the small things – do they watch too much TV? Eat enough green leafy veg? – is unnecessary.

Because simply by being born where they are born, is better than half the battle. Brought up by parents who love them, in a country that is kind to them, means they have what they need to flourish.

The children I saw in Russia, aged between 10 and 17, have such a difficult, uphill battle that it forced a sense of perspective on me. I didn't go there to feel better about my parenting – I went to hear their stories and ultimately turn these into a book that I hope will raise money for the charity – but a welcome byproduct has been coming home and finding that I obsess far less about my children's lifestyle and my own shortcomings.

Here are more thoughts on the trip and aftermath, written for Eumom.ie

http://www.eumom.ie/young-kids/the-cruelty-of-contrast-a-parenting-reminder/

When 'Good' Parents Go Bad

It is the mark of 'good' parents that we care for our children, think about them, plan for them, protect them, encourage them and teach them. All of those things are wonderful. But, like anything else, there is such thing as too much, even of the good stuff.

Too much protection, too much care, thereby stifling the child's instinct to make his or her own way, usually through the medium of his or her own mistakes.

I am as bad as anyone – afraid to let my kids out of my sight, unless it is into the deliberate care of another watchful adult – but I am starting to think that it may be time to pull back. A little, anyway.

Here is a piece, written for eumom.ie, on the subject:


http://www.eumom.ie/family-life/family-relationships/would-letting-our-kids-make-their-own-mistakes-make-us-better-parents/

Motherhood, Guilt And The Fantasy of 'Choice'

Is there anything in the world of parenting quite as awful and contentious as the debate over working and stay-at-home mums? All that talk about the 'choices' we have apparently made, and the impact these might and might not have on our children... As if choice had anything to do with it, for most of us.

But even though necessity, not choice, is what drives us, we still feel manage to feel guilty. We all know about the guilt of the working mother – many of us have been there – but there is plenty of guilt for stay-at-home mothers too I have discovered. Equal quantities for all, just differently allocated.

Which means, more than ever, that we need to be kind to each other!

Here is a piece I wrote on the subject that seems to have sparked off some fairly hot debate, for the excellent journal.ie:

http://www.thejournal.ie/readme/motherhood-guilt-and-the-fantasy-of-choice-1370257-Mar2014/

Surviving The First Three Months

'The higher they come, the harder they fall.' Its a motto that is just as true of expectations as it is of financial markets and big guys with glass jaws. Which is why the first few months after your baby is born, instead of being a delirious dance of joy, can be difficult, awkward and even a little bit miserable.

Because you have waited for this, longed for it, and most of all, built it up in your head into a cross between graduation day, your birthday, Christmas and Oscar night, with perhaps a dash of last-day-of-school thrown in. And so, when finally it happens – They hand you your baby, and actually let you take him or her home – you may very well find that, once through your own front door, all that Expectation suddenly comes up against Reality, and the result is a mighty crash.

Its a bit like the irresistible-force-unmovable-object equation, except with more snot and tears.

Exhaustion you were expecting – everyone busily warns you about that bit – but probably not some of the other emotions that can come with a tiny baby. Yes, you are in love like never before, but you may also be frustrated, lonely, bored and obscurely deflated. These feelings may bother you, because they are not part of the official mantra of The Wonderfulness of Motherhood, and because they feel like a betrayal of your adorable baby. Actually, they are perfectly normal, in my experience, and will wax and wane, like the moon and your waistline, for the next year or so.

But in the meantime, here a few tips to help make those first few months more bearable, written for my favourite US site: Quick and Dirty Tips


http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/parenting/babies-infants/the-first-3-months-your-newborn-survival-guide

The Horrors of Homework

I think I hate homework now even more than I did when I was a kid and actually doing it. The daily misery of sitting with my middle child as he stares into space, fidgets with pencils and starts conversations that have nothing to do with the worksheet or book in front of him, while I feel my own impatience mounting until I am choking back the words 'Just concentrate!', has reached gasket-blowing proportions. The daily torture shows up all that is worst in my personality: Impatience, intolerance, downright snappishness.

Here is a piece on that misery written for the wonderful Irish parenting site eumom.com

http://www.eumom.ie/school-kids/the-horrors-of-homework

Are We Too Quick To Make Them Use Their Words?

My six-year-old son came home from school the other day saying that he had been in trouble for fighting in yard and had been put on the steps. I asked him why he had been fighting, and he said ‘because I love it!’

Now, the other kid may not have loved it, and of course the school were right to take the action that was in line with their rules and principles. I do not dispute that. But, it did make me wonder, have we taken too much of the rough-and-tumble out of our children’s lives?

These days, if children begin an altercation – over a toy, a game, some name-calling, whatever – every available adult in the vicinity seems to immediately rush forward and diffuse the situation, urging them to ‘use your words.’ Equally, if a child complains that another child has done something mean – and children can do very mean things to each other – there is a good chance the complaining child will be encouraged to look at the situation from their aggressor’s point of view and consider whether that child might have had a bad day or be upset about something. They may even be asked ‘but what did you do to him? (Or her)’

Now, this might mean that we are raising a bunch of highly empathetic, soul-searching, ‘Indigo’ kids who will view all sides of a situation and merrily walk a mile in each other’s shoes. (And of course it might not – children can be notoriously perverse about efforts to mould them).

But, we may also be weeding out the natural urge to push back, to grab back the toy that was taken, or say ‘so are you!’ to the kid who calls them an idiot.

We may be teaching them to be afraid of their own aggression – so busy forcing them to empathise with others, that they are losing sight of their own entirely natural responses.

Of course the spectacle of small children attacking or insulting each other is not an edifying one, and as a society we have done tremendous work in taking violence out of the playground, and encouraging our children to find other ways of expressing dissatisfaction and upset. This is a good thing. But, I wonder, have we perhaps gone a little too far? Is there a place for aggression that we are not acknowledging? Are we now too quick to make them use their words, rather than react physically?

When adults attend self-defence courses, the very first thing they are taught is to respond with aggression to an attack. To yell – loudly! – and do something; hit, shove, throw. Often, it takes a while to get this response out of them, because by adulthood, we have all spent so many years suppressing those reactions, squashing down the instinct to greet like-with-like because ‘its rude to shout,’ or ‘ we don’t hit,’ that they are deeply buried and cannot be activated without a struggle. When the world takes a toy away from us, or pushes us, instead of demanding it back or shouting 'stop!', we tie ourselves in verbal knots, telling the world how that makes us feel and trying to second-guess why the world would want to do such a thing to us.

This might be a mistake. Life is a long and difficult business, that needs to be treated delicately, sympathetically and empathetically at times. And at other times given a good shove and told to back off!

Now, I am not suggesting that we raise our children to be monstrous Wall Street trader types, who think they are Masters of the Universe and that the world is a jungle they must fight their way through. Of course I’m not. Those are the people who destroyed financial stability for millions through their greed and arrogance. And they are generally not known for their subtlety of mind or sense of humour, either.

But, I do think the ability to swing a punch where absolutely necessary, or at the very least to know that we could if we had to, is vital.

And I believe this for girls too, who are even more likely than boys to be discouraged from giving physical expression to their feelings of anger, hurt and humiliation. Boys aren’t allowed to hit girls (despite the fact that we are ostensibly an equal-opportunities society, and little girls are often just as strong as little boys) and girls aren’t allowed to hit each other. Which means no hitting at all for girls.

I grew up, second eldest of six, cheerfully fighting my brothers and sisters. I fought the boys in my class, when that seemed necessary, up until the age of 11 or 12. I don’t mean King of the Travellers-style bare-knuckle boxing in a ring of whooping spectators, just the odd thump or kick. There were never any hard feelings, in fact those exchanges were usually perfectly good-natured and swiftly concluded. So it is difficult for me to feel properly outraged when I hear that my son has been fighting. There is a part of me that thinks, ‘well so what?’ And a part of me that, when my daughter cries and says ‘he took my dolly,’ thinks, ‘well take it back!’ even as I rush forward busily to say ‘now children, no taking people’s things, that’s not nice. You made your sister feel sad. How would you like it if someone took your things…?’

Mumsnet Blog of the Day 7/03/2014
http://www.mumsnet.com/bloggers/blog-of-the-day